Blancanieves - Parte dos : El Enano




Viene de la primera parte.
Segunda y última parte de esta famosa historia, contada por sus protagonistas.




Mientras me frotaba el tobillo atacado, el enano hizo un ruido que yo interpreté como un acceso de tos o un estornudo, de manera que contesté con el tradicional "Salud". Pero resultó que eso que había proferido era su apellido, un apellido tan escaso de vocales como un insulto noruego. Vaya uno a saber si no era en realidad un insulto noruego y el enano me estaba cargando. Me dio una tarjeta que guardé en un bolsillo luego de echarle una mirada y ver que tampoco así me iba a aprender ese amasijo de consonantes.
Me invitó a almorzar a un lugar bastante caro, yo pedí de todo un poco en venganza por la patada en el tobillo y porque además tenia hambre atrasada.
Me preguntó que me había dicho La Señora y le hice un breve resumen de la entrevista. No me costó mucho, porque la entrevista misma había sido breve. Y mi interlocutor también era breve. Je. (Este tipo de pensamientos me asaltó durante todo el almuerzo).
El Señor de Apellido Impronunciable me escuchó atentamente y luego replicó con una voz sorprendentemente alta (je,je) : -Patrañas.
-¿Qué cosa? -pregunté intentando no hablar con la boca llena.
-Prácticamente todo -contestó mientras observaba fascinado cómo yo daba cuenta de una costillita de cordero casi sin respirar.
-¿Entonces qué, ustedes eran en realidad mineros?
-Depende de su definición de mineros.
-La clásica, supongo, gente que se dedica a la minería.
-Depende de lo que entienda por minería.
-¿Este...explotación de minas?
-Depende de lo que entienda por explotación.
-Caramba., -dije yo luego de trasegar un abundante vaso de Chateau Sacrebleu cosecha 1955-no pensé que fuera tan complicado. No lo sigo.
-Bueno, técnicamente, vivíamos de una mina(*). No, mejor dicho, de varias.
-¿Había más de una mina? ¿De qué minerales?
-No acabo de decidir si usted es muy astuto o muy estúpido. Vivíamos de las minas, de las minas, ¿entiende? (Esto ultimo lo dijo en voz más bien baja -je,je,je-).

Como yo seguía parpadeando y mirándolo sin hacer el menor gesto de comprensión, el enano sacudió la cabeza, se miró los pies que colgaban al borde de su silla, y casi en un susurro dijo:
-Eramos proxenetas, señor Bugman.
Me quedé sin decir nada un rato. Porque habían traído las pechuguitas de faisán y no quise esperar para hacerles justicia. Y porque no sabía muy bien qué decir. Al final atiné a preguntar:
-¿Todos ustedes? ¿Los siete?
-No, Bugman, éramos tres Escribanos Públicos, dos violinistas de la Filarmónica, un anacoreta y un solo proxeneta. ¡Pero claro que todos! A nuestro favor, y por eso quise ser muy cuidadoso cuando usted preguntó, le diré que no explotábamos a las mujeres, más bien teníamos una sociedad. Algunos de nosotros terminamos casados con ex socias y todo.
-¿Usted?
-No, yo no. Y tampoco Sabio.
Quise preguntarle cuál de los siete era él, pero no me decidí. A lo mejor se ofendía y se iba y yo todavía no había pedido el postre. Y no me iba a alcanzar la plata para pagar la cuenta. Mudito no podía ser, Romántico no parecía, Dormilón tampoco, Mocoso a lo mejor se había operado o algo. Para mí que era Gruñón. Tragué otro vaso de vino (este era un chardonnay, el enano sabía de maridajes) y un poquito alegre pregunté:
-Y...¿Blancanieves?
-¿Qué hay con ella? -preguntó el enano un poco a la defensiva.
Hice una pausa para tomar una copa del  Louis Roederer Cristal que a mi pedido había servido el mozo. Estaba un poco mareado, la verdad. Yo, estaba mareado. El mozo no sé. No parecía. 
-Digo...bueno...jeje..usted sabe...vaaaamosss...jiji.-alcancé a decir, un poco más festivamente de lo calculado.
-No entiendo a qué se refiere. Ella vino a nosotros en busca de refugio, y la acogimos...
-Jijijiji....sssi...la acogieron...
-En efecto, nosotros...
-Acogie...ron..jiji.
-Quiero decir que le dimos refugio, y le prestamos asistencia mientras...
-Aco...jijijiiiii.
-¿Oiga, se siente bien?
-Ferpectamente.
-Bien, le decía, Blanquita se escapó de la casa y nos vino a tocar la puerta. La recibimos y le brindamos nuestro hogar, fue como una sobrina para nosotros. Bueno, casi. Sé que es difícil de creer que...Oiga, ¿puede por favor usar una copa?
-Me dijo la Sheeñobra ...que la blanquitas era medio re...
-¿Rebelde?
-No, medio rev...reve...
-¿Reveladora?
-Reveeee...revennn...¡reventada!. ¡Jijiji! Acogieron..jiji.
-Oiga, señor Bugman, usted no sabe con quién está hablando.
-¿Ushhted no es...lenano? Jiji...
-Sí, y también el esposo de Blancanieves.
-...
-Quiero decir, me casé con ella.
-...
-Que es mi mujer.
-¿Ussshtes? Nooooo...
-Que sí.
-No puebde sher...porques había un...princ...principle...ushtesss... no eshhh... 
Sacó una foto, y me la mostró. Recuerdo que alcancé a ver una montaña coronada de nieve. No, no era una montaña. A no ser que fuera una montaña que usara vestido.
-Juaaassss.pareshe Mob...Mobil...Mody...¡Moby Dick!

Fundido a negro.

Supongo que el enano habrá llamado a un taxi, o me habrá llevado en su limusina, porque de alguna manera llegué a mi casa y me acosté vestido. Dormí hasta el otro día, y la verdad es que salvo algunos dolores en el cuerpo fruto de los afanes de la seguridad de la Señora, me desperté en aceptable estado. Ventajas de emborracharse con alcohol de calidad.
Buscando en el bolsillo del saco alguna aspirina, encontré una tarjeta que decía:

"El Príncipe de los Electrodomésticos"
Henrich Grvskawlovjmarensohornn.
Gerente.



(*)En Argentina y otros países, coloquialmente, mujer.

100 comentarios:

Mariano dijo...

Ya se lo anticipo, va a tener un entrevero diplomático. Usted siga cargandose gente. Primero los noruegos, luego los pequeños.
Son jodidos, cortos pero jodidos.
Igualmente los litigios suelen ser breves. No suelen ser muy acogidos al código peneal. Perdón, penal.

Mona Loca dijo...

Ya decía yo que lo de Disney eran puras tonteras...

Briks dijo...

los enanos suelen ser jodidos porque tienen las ideas muy cerca del culo

(NOTA: aqui - en los comentarios - no rige prohibición alguna. conste)

escurioso que justamente ud, Sr Bugman, mencione a un noruego en su articulo

mi última investigación me permitió descubrir que existe una bonita practica sexual que lleva ese nombre
"El Noruego"

los invito (permitame el espacio) a arriegar una respuesta sobre la referida practica.
vuestra respuesta deberá ser publicada en el proximo post de "tocador de damas" o enviada por correo a la dirección del MIB (la que figura ahi, a un costadito del blog)

GRACIAS

Mariano dijo...

¿Se refiere a la combinación de las tres pos...? Caramba, Briks, usted es uno...

Viejex dijo...

Bugman, nunca, pero nunca, jamas, bajo ninguna circunstancia deje el alcohol, se lo ruego.

Bugman dijo...

Señor Mariano, no sabía que los enanos tenían embajada propia. Pero le creo, usted es un especialista.

Mona Loca, yo creo que en realidad le pagaron para tapar todo.

Señor Briks, eh...bueno, me encuentra cansado, no le voy a decir nada.
(Conozco lo que es un "noruego", lo que no se es por qué le dicen así).

Señor Viejex, no se por quién me toma. Yo soy prácticamente arsenio. Arsénico. Asbesto. Abstemio. Eso.

Carugo dijo...

Mire, de periodismo, mucho no sabe pero de vinos finos y de tretas para no pagar la cuenta, evidentemente, sí...
Y estoy con Briks con respecto a los enanos.
Su mente esta demasiado cerca de su intestino grueso...

El Comentarista dijo...

No deja de sorpenderme. Una costillita de cordero acompañada por un Chateau Sacrebleu cosecha 1955 y un enano. Usted es un excéntrico.

Fabiana dijo...

Señor Bugman:

Una pena que no haya llegado al postre, dicen que en ese retaurante hay unos licores para acompañar que le hubieran gustado mucho..
Emmmmm..
Bueno, dejemos de lado el costado etílico de la historia..

Con respecto a Blanquita, no me extraña que se haya casado con el enano en cuestión..
Las malas lenguas decían que era chiquito pero con una gran..




























CUENTA BANCARIA!!!

Pero?!!
Que se pensó que iba a decir??!!

:P

El Fantasma de Belgrano dijo...

Es clarísimo que -de llegar el postre- usted iba a pedir una torta borracha.
Pero ahora que pienso en las palabras "torta borracha", no puedo evitar imaginarme a Blancanieves y a la Bella Durmiente pasadas de alcohol y realizando escenas lésbicas.

Natalia Alabel dijo...

Lo importante es, ud. pagó por la comilona? No, no? Y bueno!

La solitaria dijo...

La princesa blancanieves... flor de monumento a la grasa corporal resultó la infeliz! Y encima le gustan las porquerías con el enano gruñon... esta no fue la versión que me contó mamá!

ElFlaco dijo...

Los siete eran socios ???
Me desepciona un poco blanquita despues de ser acogida por siete enanos quedarse con uno solo mmmm

Que tendra el petizo cuando las provoca que tendra el petizo que a la blanquita la volvio loca esaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa pasate el tetra pelau no seai ortiva !!!!

Yoni Bigud dijo...

Oiga... usted siempre encuentra una excusa eh. Si no es para refutar el mito de la sandía, es para aprovecharse de un enano proxeneta. Pero el final es siempre el mismo: Derrape, desmayo y amnesia.

De cualquier modo le digo que no se pueden negar los avances que hizo en esta investigación. Eso lo redime.

Un saludo.

Viejex dijo...

Ah bueno... mire quien lo critica por el consumo de alcohol, Bugman! Es como que Buonanotte lo cargue a Cubero por la voz finita....

Bugman dijo...

Carugo, en realidad se menos de vinos que de tretas. Y estará de acuerdo con Briks, pero no se puede negar que usted lo dice con más elegancia.

Comentarista, sí, tiene razón. El Sacrebleu va mejor con carnes de caza.

Fabiana, no, no, me están haciendo una fama injustificada, yo soy abstemio. Prácticamente.
(El enano también tiene una gran empresa, no hay que olvidarse de eso).

Fantasma, la verdad es que me estaban tentando los panqueques de manzana quemados al rhum.
(Usted es un perverso. No sabe lo gorda que está Blancanieves).

Natalia Abel, absolutamente. Usted ha captado bien el asunto.

Solitaria, las versiones reales de estas historias solamente las encontrará en MIB. De nada, de nada.

Flaco, sí, los siete. Era un quilombo, esa empresa.

Yoni...¡Plop! (jijiji...shaludd)

Bugman dijo...

Viejex, eso, eso. (¿Quiénes son Buenasnoches y Baldero?)

Yoni Bigud dijo...

Viejex: Touché. Voy a agregar su afirmación a la lista de temas vedados del Señor Briks.
Mire que si habla me desata el viernesgate.

Fabiana dijo...

Sr. Bugman:

No sabe como lo entiendo!
A mi pasa lo mismo, la gente cre que soy una mujer de tintos tomar..



y se olvidan que un buen blanco, un tempranillo, un rosado o un champusier tampoco no se desprecian..



igual le digo que me mata cuando hace de ebrio..

;D

el señor F. dijo...

Iba a tirar un comentario acerca de un país lleno de gente pequeña que tiene una embajada muy linda en Buenos Aires, pero me iban a caer el Inadi, la cancillería y un millón de tintoreros encima, no da.

Any dijo...

Pero estuvo mal che, encima de que lo invitan ud come como un náufrago, se emborracha, hace papelones y le difama la mujer al enano! Agradezca que el chiquito no lo tiró en el primer callejón oscuro que encontró de camino.
Ahhhh "Patrañas"! como me gusta esa palabrita!
saludos

La Rubia dijo...

Como que terminó casada con un enano de mal genio, mala vida, mala profesión, amante de las mujeres fáciles, alcohólico (ah, no, ese es usted) que la dejó engordar hasta parecer una ballena y encima seguro la explota, teniendo al príncipe tan a mano???!!
pero será posible que la mujer no sepa elegir ni en los cuentos de hadas???

Bugman dijo...

Fabiana, se que mi credibilidad se ha hecho trizas en estos días, pero le aseguro que casi no tomo alcohol, así que la acompaño en su indignación, no puede ser que nos difamen de esa manera.
(Y me sale bien hacer de borracho porque fui actor, no porque lo haya experimentado, ojo).

Señor F. además esos muchachos están cada vez más altos.

Any, yo aplico la máxima que me enseño un tío mío. "El indio nunca sabe cuándo va a volver a comer". Además el enano me había dado una patada en el tobillo. Y tiene mucha plata. Cualquier juez me absolvería.
(Sí, sí, "patrañas" es una estupenda palabra, a mí también me gusta mucho).

Rubia, que no, que yo no bebo, que...en fin.
Y me parece que no entendió, el enano es...bueno, relea el final del artículo.

Pablo dijo...

Si es el príncipe de los electrodomésticos más que azul debe ser blanco.

Para que sepa para la próxima vez, las investigaciones de este tipo se acompañan con Merlot.

Salud.

La Rubia dijo...

Ah, no.
ESE no es el que me vendieron a mi en el cuento, ella tenía otro, mucho mas lindo, era morocho de ojos claros, yo recuerdo bien.

Lo que? Billetera mata quien?

killer queen dijo...

Buenas don Bugman, permitame decirle que,... yo siempre lo supe!
Hace un tiempo me cruce con Blanquita en uno de los banquetes del reino y la pobre ya no pasa por el porton del fozo!!,..tuvimos que habrir la caballeriza y que entrara por detras,..con el detrimento de que al pasar por la cocina se quedo muy sentada morfando toodo lo que se suponia era una cena para 100 invitados!!,...pfff!
Menos mal que los duques y lores de estos paramos son más de beber que de comer, porque sino no quedaba otra que hacer sanguches de mila (que era lo que habia quedado del día anterior - el menú preferido del Pricipito-)
La proxima vez que quiera charlar con alguna otra princesa aviseme!,...La Bella Durmiente vive cerca (la pendeja vive de joda y con la música no me deja dormir!)

Cuello de Pavo dijo...

bugman, queremos que sepas que todos estamos acá porque lo queremos y nos preocupamos por usted... es por eso que hacemos esta intervención, quizás no lo haya notado, pero en estos últimos tiempos está teniendo mas y mas percances con el alcohol, y lo está afectando a usted y a los que lo rodean... el primer paso es admitir que tiene un problema

Mariano dijo...

No sólo tienen embajada, Bugman, sino que como país independiente también saben contar con su propia selección de fútbol. A propósito, ¿sabe lo complejo que resulta tirarles un caño?

Bugman dijo...

Pablo, a mí me pareció más bien tirando a colorado. (El vino lo pidió él, yo que sé de vinos, que no, que no sé nada).

Rubia, mire que era un enano de lo más elegante. Estaba vestido de Armani, o Hermenegildo Zegna, me parece. No sé, creo que era un buen partido. Y no se quejó para nada de que Blanquita estuviera hecha un cachalote.

Killer Queen,vió cómo son. Se enganchan un enano con plata y se abandonan. (A lo mejor recurro a sus servicios en el futuro. ¿Tiene llegada a La Cenicienta?)

Cuello de Pavo, no tengo nisgún proflema con el alcohohol. Lo mío es un flobrema de pronunshia...pronunci...de cómo digo lashh palabrash.
Y eshtoy mareado porque me ssagarró el jeta..glag...que vine de viaje en avión.

Marina dijo...

Mire Bug, yo SI le creo que es casi abstemio, lo he leido en varios coments, pero le digo algo ?? ... le queda de liiiiiiiindo cuando se " alegra " un poco, y ademas ... me hace reir mucho.
Y el enano que quiere que le diga ... por lo menos le sacó un BUEN almuerzo.
Besos.

Elvis dijo...

Sr. Bugman, siempre pensé que en toda esa historia había algo que olía mal, y no me refiero al menú del día de la cafetería..., pero que ese enano nos quiera hacer creer que se casó con la maciza de Blancanieves me suena a chufla.
Y no me diga que Ud. vió la foto de Blancanieves vestida de blanco, porque en su estado no creo que fuera capaz de distinguir a Blancanieves de la cerdita Pegy...

killer queen dijo...

LA Cenicienta?,..sep,..se divorcio del principe!y con la guita que le sacó, puso un servicio de limpieza de oficinas,...eso si las que laburan son la madrastra y las hermanastras (explotadas mal!!).

Bugman dijo...

Marina, en las pocas oportunidades (y son MUY pocas) en que el personaje etílico no fue fingido, testigos presenciales me han dicho lo mismo.
(Lo malo fue que me quedé sin postre).

Elvis, yo creo que se casó con Blancanieves antes de que engrosara de esa manera. Lo cual tiene su mérito, no me va a negar. Y quedarse con ella en el estado en que se encuentra, también. Aunque a lo mejor es al revés, creo que a los enanos les gustan rechonchas.

Killer Queen, justicia poética, que le dicen.
Bien por ella.

Elvis dijo...

Sr. Bugman, bueno, esto no hace más que confirmar mis sospechas de que Blancanieves fué la precursora del lema "en la cama no hay alturas"...
Quizás si engordó, se deba a un embarazo y aún no haya alumbrado. Es posible que los embarazos gestados con semilla de enano duren eternamente...,habrá que investigarlo.

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For scenario in position, an $eighty therapeutic therapeutic massage could be received by the customer for $forty by means of Groupon, and then Groupon and the retailer would split up the $40. That is, the retailer provides a therapeutic massage valued at $eighty and will get approximately $twenty from Groupon for it (beneath a fifty%/50% crack up). Or, if $240 actually well worth of residence painting providers is acquired by the buyer for $fifty by means of Groupon, then the company gets $twenty 5 and Groupon retains $twenty five. The buyer gets the massage, or the home portray solutions, in these illustrations, from the retailer for which they to begin with compensated $40 (or $fifty) to Groupon. There are particular corporations to which Groupon at initial did not provide its suppliers, including having pictures ranges and strip clubs nonetheless, shooting ranges have been showcased on Groupon.

Not like categorized advertising and marketing, the merchant does not spend any upfront value to just take portion: Groupon collects personal details from inclined consumers and then contacts only these shoppers, mostly by everyday e-mail, who may probably be intrigued in a specified resolution or solutions.

Groupon employs a enormous sum of copywriters who draft descriptions for the offers highlighted by e mail and on the internet web site. Groupon's promotional textual content material for the 'deals' has been witnessed as a contributing situation to the track record of the internet site, that includes a distinctive blend of substantial straightforward reality-analyzing and witty humor.

Owing to Groupon's market receiving mostly composed of lady customers, the delivers are frequently targeted on the effectively becoming, health and splendor markets.

There are most likely problems with the company style. For case in point, a profitable supply could speedily swamp a modest company with as well numerous customers, risking a likelihood that consumers will be dissatisfied, or that there will not be sufficient item to fulfill the require. Hole, a enormous attire retailer, was able to control 445,000 coupon codes in a nationwide offer (even although it experienced server difficulties at a single stage), but a smaller group could turn into all of a sudden flooded with consumers. A single specific coffee store in Portland, Oregon struggled with an improve in consumers for 3 months, when it bought shut to 1,000 Groupons on the one particular certain working day it was offered, in accordance to 1 report. In reaction to comparable problems, Groupon officers issue that 'deal' subscriptions must be capped in advance to a affordable range.

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